Finding the passion in what I do

Finally had the resolve to start writing again after a super long break of not writing.

Lately I’ve been thinking a little about the future as I’m graduating next year with a degree in Biomedicine, figuring out the next step and how God’s plans fit in the picture.

You know it’s always said – follow your passion, etc.  What on earth does that really mean?

Doing dentistry is a fine idea, I mean, good hours, get to drill into peoples’ mouth (yes I’m a little crazy), good money, relatively stable.  Medicine is somewhat good, just that I don’t like the hours and it’s just too much work.

But if I’m passionate about something – it wouldn’t feel like work, right?  So let’s say I’m super passionate about medicine, does it mean that studying won’t feel like a chore ,  knowing I’ll get there?  Does being passionate mean that I’ll try every single way to get there?  How does God fit into this picture? Do I make things happen for myself or what?

It’s scare how some people are so driven and so focussed on what they want to do, do what is required, and get there. And they’re happy. Unfortunately, I’m not that kind of person. I lack the fire and desire.

Perhaps I’m lazy, perhaps I want everything to fall nicely in place and I just step into whatever I’m given.  I don’t think I’m stupid, if I work at something I can do it, it’s just that do I really want it and what’s my motivation?

Here am I writing notes about renal physiology and am not enjoying it – all I want to do is pick up my guitar and scare the neighbours.  Does it mean that I’m not passionate in what I’m studying now or I’m just lazy?

Argh,, so many things to think about.  Yesterday had THREE people telling me to study for GAMSAT now. I know all these things, but I don’t know why I’m just too lazy to care.   It feels like I have so much to think about and getting ready for GAMSAT now, when finals are 5 weeks away and OCF is at its transition stage?  Maybe they’re just excuses to compensate for my laziness, maybe I don’t feel that they’re important enough.  Maybe I’m afraid of the long road ahead and want to bail.  But it’s all just foolishness – I KNOW that it’s important to keep my options open but somehow I have the “I don’t care” feeling, which is terrible I know, but I just can’t help it.

Some of  you already know, I love guitars, I eat, live, sleep, breathe guitars. I love music, playing music, but I’m not that good at it to pursue it at a music school.  So where does that leave me? Music as just a hobby? Most people settle for that.  Why can’t a hobby be a career since you’re passionate about it?  But then, I’m not a music prodigy,  I’m NOT that into writing songs.  But if I’m sooo passionate about music, why am I not doing anything about it either?

Am I scared to go into the unknown? Am I just too lazy to make things happen for myself? Am I too lazy to take the harder way?

Sorry if this post seems a little scattered, I’m just spewing out whatever is in my head.  Decisions, deadlines, results, grades, I don’t know how long I can stand this.  I need to make a decision, but what is the right decision? I want a God decision, not the good decision.

Maybe I’m not spending enough time with God to see things his way.  So confused…I don’t think I gotten anywhere even after writing all this down.

God, I want to follow in whatever path you’ve set out for me.  They say that if you do the best in wherever God has placed you in – you’ll get there. I’m trying to do that but I’m not enjoying the ride, I’m not loving what I’m doing.  How do you fit in my plans, God?  What do I do? I trust that you will lead me there, someday, I need to stop the worrying and start the doing, if only I knew where to start. God, please shut doors that you don’t want me to go through and open doors that will lead me to the place where you want to be.  I know I have a lot of things to think about and the process is not supposed to be easy. I wish everything but it’s not – so hold my hand till I get there.  In Jesus’ name, Amen. 

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